Thursday, May 8, 2008

Ghost-writing for God

Is any part of the Bible written by a woman? I don't ever remember being in church and hearing the words A reading of the Holy Gospel according to Irene. Maybe at least an editor credit or something? Nothing that I could find, but hey, that's a lot of reading so I may have missed something. I did some research, which is a Biblical term meaning I googled my wiki.

  • The Book of Ruth is a great story about a couple of women saving the family after the guys all die, but no one seems to think it was written by a woman. Wikipedia says any evidence of that is 'circumstantial.' By the way, at a puny four chapters, it's the shortest book. Ahem.

  • The Book of Judith rocks in a This is how it's done, boys kind of way. She seduces and beheads the bad guy. Lots of guys fall for her after that. She never marries. This is where the cowgirl rides away. Angelina Jolie could make this a blockbuster and a video game. Unless she already did with Tomb Raider.

  • The Book of Esther was a bit confusing. Esther marries the king after his last wife won't 'dance,' which is a biblical term meaning 'that dog won't hunt.' She doesn't tell him she's Jewish, but her dad helps save the king's life. Long story short- lots of people die, but the king learns that Jews are good people, too. Only Spielberg could do this one right. Even then, lots of plot fixes needed. Wonder how network wonks feel about messing with holy scripture - "We ADORE the battle scenes, but Esther needs to show a bit more leg."

Anyway, lots of fun, hair-raising stories about women, but no prominent women writers. Are they still taking submissions to the Bible? Maybe The Book of Annie? Not sure. Haven't seen anything new from God in a while. She should really get a blog or at least a chat room. Dear God - Whine.

Wanna rewrite the Bible with me? Come on, it'll be fun! First, let's go Evesdropping:

Interviewer:We're here with the first lady of, well, the very first lady. So, what did you see in this guy, Adam?

Eve: Who knows! You know how it is. The first time it always seems so special, you can’t imagine being with anyone else, the world is your fantasy. Next thing you know – boom! The fantasy is history and you need new clothes ASAP. Not to complain, though – who would listen? It’s not like I could go home to Mother. And the kids – jeez, how they would carry on. Adam wasn’t much help there, either – “Are you sure these boys are mine?” Real funny. Thank goodness I didn’t have to worry about them dating.

Int: That brings up an interesting point. You were the first family, but how did you, um, carry on the line?

Eve: There comes a point in your kid’s life where you just have to trust them. You just gotta say, “Son, have a good time tonight, be safe, and have the oxcart home by midnight.” So, yes, I’m blurry on a few details, but hey, here we all are, aren’t we? That includes you, too, Darwin. If I ever catch you pokin' your evolutionary nose around here again, I'm gonna kick your stinkin'-

Int: We were curious, because certain things don't seem to be addressed very well in the Bible.

Eve: Come on, it was written by men. Big on fancy special effects but dim on basic plot lines. Throw in a car chase, an explosion, walk on water, part a sea, yadda-yadda, lotsa begettin'-begattin' and they forget everything else.

Int: So you're saying the Bible isn't accurate?

Eve: Are you trying to get me in trouble? I could lose my pension!

Int: Are you and Adam still together?

Eve: Absolutely. He plays golf. I've got canasta. It's all good. Why, what have you heard?


Packsaddle said...

because, if women were allowed to write the bible, the table of contents would look like this:

Book of Espadrilles

Book of Stiletto Heels

Book of Ballet Flats

Book of Slingback Pumps

Book of Peep Toe Wedge

Book of Ankle Strap Sandals

Anonymous said...

Snork at packsaddle!

Annie said...


insomniac said...

holy ghost writing?

CrackerLilo said...

Judith or Esther's stories could make awesome movies as long as Mel Gibson keeps his filthy mitts off of 'em!

(Came via Dave Barry's blog.)

Lairbo said...

"Evesdropping" is a wonderful title. You should make it a regular(ish) feature of observations and commentary (think Letters from the Earth) from the ultimate First Lady.

Snork @ "Long story short - lots of people die.."

Annie said...

Thank, Lairbo. I like the 'Evesdropping' feature too. Maybe add 'Eveshopping', 'Eveschlepping,' etc.
I like the 'holy ghost-writing', but I think that's been re-branded as the Holy Spirit. Probably to make it appear less creepy.