Sunday, July 22, 2007

Squirrel Terrorism Update

We have two more victims in the War on Squirrel Terrorism - while defending our backyard from the furry scourge, our schnocker (schnauzer/cocker/scottie/etc) tore his ACL. I did not realize dogs actually possess ACL's, but apparently they do. I always thought it was a labor union, but ACL is actually short for anterior cruciate ligament, one of the thingys that compose a knee. (I know, I know - dogs have knees? Who knew?)

Other things I didn't realize about canine ACL injuries:

  1. They are not covered by my HMO

  2. They are not covered by your HMO

  3. They are expensive

  4. It is difficult to find the right size crutches for a schnocker

This led to the second victim - my checkbook, which, after enduring x-rays, surgery, and doggy prescriptions, is now in critical condition. I'm guessing the squirrels own stock in the veterinary industry. This is all part of their plan to rule the universe, and it seems to be working.

Today is day one of Jake's 12-week post-operative physical therapy program. My checkbook said 'no' to hiring a private trainer to oversee the recovery, so I'm suiting up. We start with 15 minutes of ice packs, then 15 minutes of Passive Range of Motion (PROM) exercises such as slow flexing. And that's just for the checking account. Ba-dum.

Jake must do bicycling exercises, which is tough because, being a dog, he's never been on a bike. So I have to move his booboo leg around in a circle to emulate movement on a bicycle. (I can use the word 'emulate' since the vet charged me for it.) Jake and I are both less than thrilled with this physical therapy program. It's just a matter of time before one of my kids takes our picture and we're featured on "World's Funniest Dog Therapy Programs."

Squirrels, beware - you have only 12 weeks before we're back chasing you again. 12 weeks of twice daily therapy, twice daily icing, perhaps a week at a sports medicine rehab center, some retail therapy for my dwindling mental state, and a line of credit on the house to finance it all, then we're coming after you. So you'd better be ready. Because after 12 dang weeks of moving a dog's leg in circles, I'm going to be ready for you.