The Annie Counter-Coulter

I'd like to welcome any Republicans we have here today. Please make yourself comfortable. We are all friends here. No need to identify yourselves - we'll understand if you'd prefer to remain anonymous. And no, no open bar. Sorry.

Discouraging isn't it? One minute you've got the world by the WMD, then 'poof!' - it all blows up like a bad burrito. Splinter groups start claiming to be part of your organization, doing wacky things in your name. I think Allah has the same problem.

We all know the Donkey Club planted loony viruses within your organization - Anne "Call Me Crazy I Crave the Publicity" Coulter...that zany meth-using gay/ungay religious zealot...my dad.... You would never actively petition their support, at least in public. Besides, who ever could have predicted that cellphone cameras would become so inexpensive that even Democrats could afford them?

Anyway, welcome. But please observe the 3-drink minimum, proceeds of which will go to stem cell research, Hurricane Katrina victims, and the Veterans' Assistance Fund.

We understand your anger. You have every right to be upset. You've been uncovered, standing before the world with your pants around your knees, your Bush exposed. You paid good money for the right to lead this country, but everyone's laughing at you. As you so eloquently told your mom, it's just not fair. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

The media no longer fears you. There must be a law against that somewhere, some way you can mute them indefinitely. Perhaps someone at Guantanamo would know?

Anyway, we feel for you, we really do. Your spin has spun, your deal is done, and your budget, wait, OUR budget, is blown. And so, no open bar. Sorry.