Rain

Last night I opened the front door and was greeted with shiny droplets falling gently, steadily from the dark sky. I stared into the wet nothingness for a long time, watching the rain wash months of dust and goo off my world, making everything look and smell so much better. (Of course it was dark and my sense of smell is terrible.) This morning we have that wonderful foggy superdew thingy I've heard some call humidity. You're thinking I should change my meds, right? Big whoop, right?

Here in SoCal, yes. Rain is weather. We boast about having great weather. In reality we rarely have any weather at all. In fact, our weather forecasts are prerecorded. Sure, the weatherpersons do a costume change or two, but basically they're hired for their ability to get you to watch them ten minutes straight while they talk about how tomorrow will be 74 degrees, just like today was, just like yesterday was, etc. They accomplish this by smiling at you without blinking. It would be horribly impolite for you to look away, much less change the channel. They're just time-killers to keep you staring until the next commercial break.

In the off season, SoCal weather-starers make extra money as bug zappers at fancy parties. They chatter and stare in rich people's back yards, attracting bugs and politicians to the light of their bleached teeth. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Elsewhere, rain is weather. Here, rain is news. The threat of rain is news. The possible threat of rain is news. Local tv stations send newsvans all over town looking for puddles for their weatherpersons to stand next to while they tell us about "Stormwatch 2007" or "It Came from the Sky! 2007." Often they have to share puddles, and with competing stations, it can get nasty, especially during Sweeps Week.

During one particularly dry rainy season, KCAL9 news was accused by a rival station of creating a puddle. Turns out it was caused by a broken lawn sprinkler, but whether the sprinkler was broken intentionally was never proven in court. Still, to this day, a cloud hangs over the KCAL 9 weather bureau. And it's not a good cloud.

Possible Site of SoCal Puddle Possibly Caused by Rain

Because of the damp terror that pours from the sky, no one goes anywhere for fear of getting wet. Heaven forbid rain or mud muss your car. No squalling kids cluttering the sidewalk, not even dog walkers are out. Will we melt? Perhaps not, but our perfect hair might get humidified. And that terrifies our weatherpersons.