Wednesday, April 16, 2008

You See a Dear, I See 'Bimbo'

You know how perfectly decent guys will pretend to fall for bimbos just to make you jealous? It's a cruel but common game. Usually the anger of the moment precludes a woman from taking selective action, but I'm going to give you a few tips on how to effectively counteract this snide move and still minimize your parole time.

Since guys are single-celled orgasms (sick), they can't keep up with our plethora of multi-tasking activities. They know that and try to downplay this fact. Hell, they downplay every disadvantage they have. They just have to do it one disadvantage at a time.

Let's say, for example, you're at a club, and you know he's interested in you because he keeps peeking over at you and drooling. This goes on for several beers minutes. Finally, he walks toward you and instead of doing something sane, like saying 'hi,' he asks a bimbo to dance, right in front of you.

You have several options, most of which will end with you incarcerated or at least with a broken nail. Let's look at some of the kinder ones. You can:
  • stare daggers at him
  • find a loser to dance with like he did
  • carve your name in his leather seat (not necessarily the one in his car)

  • test her fake bimbtits as flotation devices in the men's room toilet

These are all moves he expects of you. As Queens of the Multitask, we must be better than bitter.

First of all - disappear. Move. Go hide a weapon in the bathroom again, whatever. Just get scarce and don't be where he expects you to be. He'll be looking for your reaction. By the time he can't find you, you'll have your scope focused and a bullet in the chamber.

Part of the key to the 'disappear' move is the amount of time involved. Between alcohol and bimbos, guys don't remember much, so you can't stay away too long.

Keep in mind that when the song ends, he won't have another move lined up. Guys can't think that far ahead. You can. Let him hang like a limp booger on the dance floor a while. It's a humbling experience that will help him appreciate you more later.

If you've got a prop-daddy handy, use him. Walk back to your spot with a fresh drink, giggling with your prop-daddy. By this time your target will have forgotten what he was up to and will just see you with alcohol and another guy.

At this point, give your target the long, slow, sloe-eye. Yes, the Bambi what-were-you-thinking-by-wasting-time-with-a-flotation-device-trollop look. Then, back to prop-daddy. By now you have his attention and his family jewels in your side pocket.

You can take it from here - whatever your style is - pouty, cute/angry, etc. Now, go git 'im, girls!

This has been your most recent Dating Data Update. Thanks for reading this far.


Shania said...

Sometimes I think the thought of dating is all that keeps me married. My husband thanks (or maybe curses) you for this reminder.

insomniac said...

i don't think all guys are that way...but kudos on working 'booger' into a post!

Anonymous said...

"Keep in mind that when the song ends, he won't have another move lined up."

if he's a good dancer he doesn't need another move lined up.

he'll never leave the floor.

Annie said...

My first booger joke - yay! And no, not all guys are that way....
btw, 'anonymous'- I can make even a good dancer wanna leave the dance floor, so....booger.

Wyo Cowboy said...

Multitask: Drink beer/scratch gonads.

so there.

Mr. Completely said...

I was gonna take umbrage at your blatant male-bashing, but I got distracted by a beer commercial so I forgot what I was going to say.

But I'm sure it was witty, pithy, and withering.

Annie said...

*eyeroll* @ Wyo.
Mr. C - Umbrage is very good with beer. You should take it. Here, use this fork in the road.

wickedwitch said...

it's also good to develop the 'i feel so sorry for you look' to throw his way when you next meet his eyes. if you follow it with the half-smile you give to small, cute, furry creatures, it'll work wonders every time. of course, you should always follow that with a slight turn of your body away from him and towards the better looking guy who is hanging on your every word.

Jug said...

Clever as always Annie, but you seem to have men confused with boyz.

Wyo Cowboy said...

methinks jug just made a very potent point.

just sayin'.

Annie said...

wickedwitch - excellent!

Jug and Wyo - I don't think a real man would pull a stunt like that, so I guess I mean boyz. Haven't had the chance to study a real man up close recently.
*blink, blink*

WriterDude said...

Shame you weren't with us (Wyo and son, Lester and self) at the Celtic Tavern last Saturday, Annie. There were three of us there available for study. Some, at least. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I would suppose that someone our age (assuming you are close to my age, which I'm about 99.9% sure you are - ***whispering*** over 35) - would not ever have much luck finding a man in a bar. Mostly what I see are wannabe studs looking for a quick fix to their inner scratch and looking for the "hottest" girl to meet their needs. Quality is not an option in the bar scene.

Annie said...

anon - at some clubs, you'd be surprised. There are very few places for decent people to meet, so...many go here. The atmosphere is more of a family member's wedding than a pick-up scene. Everyone dances with everyone, just for fun. Yes, there are wolves, but we take care of each other. That said, it's an unusual club.