Saturday, February 16, 2008


I just got back from a delightful meeting with members of the House Oversight Committee and Legal Operative of Government Insensitivity Endowment, aka HOCaLOoGIE. Those guys really know how to throw a party. Unfortunately, I wasn't invited to their party. I was subpoenaed to testify, which is a funny term for an ugly thing.

The following is what happens when you eat too late at night and reality invades your dreams:

HOCaLOoGIE: Miss Eitman, have you ever knowingly injected humor into your writing?

Me: No, sir. Never. And may I state for the record that that is a lovely bowtie you're wearing today.

HOCaLOoGIE: We have a sworn affidavit from your friend, Andrea Pettite, that at a party in Palm Beach on September 13th, 2004, you admitted to using humor to bulk up your columns.

Me: Andrea is a friend of mine. She's a good person. I'm sure she simply misremembered.

HOCaLOoGIE: Your editor, Mr. Mac Adamia, states that on numerous occasions during the period between Boxing Day, 2003 and Bastille Day, 2006, he personally supplied you with puns and amusing innuendos.

Me: Sir, that's physically impossible. Everyone knows editors have no sense of humor.

HOCaLOoGIE: Is it your contention, then, that you have done nothing wrong?

Me: I once dated a Republican.

HOCaLOoGIE: Coughing

Me: I did, however, miss the memo stating that humor is illegal.

HOCaLOoGIE: That's beside the point. We have evidence that you used comedy to gain a competitive edge over other writers. In the process, you damaged the image of American journalists everywhere. For shame.

Me: Can someone tell me specifically which law I broke? Is this about that unfortunate typo last week?

HOCaLOoGIE: Miss Eitman, it is evident that your testimony here today is in direct conflict with Mr. Mac Adamia's testimony. May I remind you that fibbing is a federal offense. Someone here is a liar.

Me: If that's the case, I'd be on the lookout for pants on fire.

HOCaLOoGIE: Is that a humorous observation, Miss Eitman?

Me: Absolutely not, sir. Wanna pull my finger?


Anonymous said...

I like this!


Annie said...

Thanks, El. If Congress is going after all the 'users,' they're going to be extremely busy. But maybe it will keep them out of any more 'wide-stanced' trouble. A mixed blessing, although I prefer mine straight up, no ice.