Friday, April 14, 2006

Family Fun with the Ten Catholic Plagues

Ever notice how Jewish holidays seem to fall right before Christian ones? Like they were trying to outdo us or something. On his website, Dave Barry posted a link to a 'helpful' article about making Passover fun for kids. I had no idea being Jewish could be so entertaining! Here's the beginning of the article to give you the idea:

Since the idea of the Seder is to get children interested and involved, the Ten Plagues is a good opportunity to add an experiential, dramatic element to the evening. Plan ahead with some props and you'll see how much fun the Seder can be -- for children and adults alike.
Here are some suggestions for the Ten Plagues:
1) BLOOD -- Prepare a large, clear pitcher -- empty except for some red food coloring inconspicuously at the bottom. At the appropriate moment, pour in some water -- and watch the water magically turn to "blood!" (One technical point: Don't do the opposite and pour the food coloring into the water, as that would be a problem of "coloring" which is forbidden on Jewish holidays.) And if you're really brave, drink a little of the water, to re-enact the Midrash which says that even during the plague of blood, the Jews could still drink and have it taste like "water!"

Here's the link for the rest of it if you're interested:

Not to be outdone by Passover, and in response to the above article which gave me severe pentecostal envy, I've compiled my own list entitled:

1) BEER -- Prepare a large, clear pitcher -- empty except for, ok, just empty. Now get a six-pack from the fridge. Happy Easter. Think of all the money you're saving on therapy because you didn't make your kids drink fake blood like the Rabinowitzs down the street. Burp. Rinse bladder. Repeat.

2) BUNNIES -- And you thought it was a pagan ritual? Catholics traditionally reproduce as fast as bunnies. At least the chocolate ones don't ovulate!

3) PLASTIC EGGS-- After drinking six-pack, fill eggs with coins, candy, guilt trips, etc. and toss around the yard. These will be keep the kids busy outside in the morning while you apply the hair of the dog to your hangover.

4) BABY ANIMALS -- Does little Timmy realize that the baby chicks he sees at the Easter display in the mall will be in his Happy Meal next month?

5) PLASTIC GRASS -- You pop a jelly bean into your mouth. Oh, nooo - a piece of plastic grass is now stuck between your teeth! Meanwhile more pieces of grass are forming an armored division under your couch, to reappear at your 4th of July party.

6) COLORING EGGS (AKA THE PLAGUE OF THE WHITE CARPET) -- What dummy woke up one day and said, "Hey, let's boil some eggs and let the kids put bright colors on them. And let's do this right before we have everyone over for Easter dinner."???

7) BLACK JELLY BEANS-- and hey, they're kosher! Who knew?!

8) CONFUSION-- 'Good' Friday - Jesus is freakin' dead. What's so 'good' about that? When is a fast not a fast? When you're Catholic! When is 40 days not 40 days? When it's Lent! Badda-bing!

9) GUILT -- "Finish your meal - don't you know there are children starving in Ireland!" (If their mums cooked like mine, no wonder they were starving.)

10) FIRST BORN -- "Do you have any idea what we paid for your education?" When we Catholics pass down the torch to the next generation, we usually whack them over the head with it.

11) CHOCOLATE -- Yes, we have one more plague than the Jews. Neener, neener. You could look it up - it's in the NEW testament. Nyuk,nyuk!

Might I also add - Manischewitz has nuthin' on Gallo. Both are hideous. Oy!


Kafaleni said...


Bismuth said...

Heh heh heh, very good.

BABY ANIMALS -- Does little Timmy realize that the baby chicks he sees at the Easter display in the mall will be in his Happy Meal next month?

Let's be realistic here... it takes several months for a baby chick to grow into a nugget-ready adult

And last night, the priest discussed what was so good about Good Friday. Answer: it's not very good for Jesus, but it's very good for us!

Annie said...

bismuth - good point, but since BALCO has redirected its sales of steroids from baseball to poultry, it's only taking a month to grow the birds. The chickens may be a bit angry, but their nuggets are huge, and they can hit for power.

Homo Escapeons said...

Neener Neener! I am so pleased to see someone else using this devastingly cruel taunting.
Passover Schmassover!
Very Funny, loved it, Bada-Bing.