Why the Celtics are Evil

Here in Los Angeles, we demand a Hollywood ending to the NBA finals. If the Celtics win, gas prices will top $6 a gallon, the war in Iraq will drag on, and I will flatten several more guys in a bar. We need the cavalry to ride in, lift our spirits and give us hope. Celtics are not the cavalry, but rather the nether end of the horse. Here's why-

• Their socks. Who in their right mind wears knee-high black socks with shorts? I've only seen this fashion faux-pas on old men in Palm Beach, usually sporting beer guts, man-boobs, and sandals. Add a dollop of evil-witch gangreen and you have all the makings of Ugly Incorporated.
  


• They are shame-free. Kevin McHale was the first player I ever saw yank an opposing player to the floor when the referee wasn't looking. And his blatant choking of Kurt Rambis in the 1984 finals cinches it. Hard fouls are one thing. Fractured skulls are another. Dirty, dirty play. Paul Pierce continues the shoddy legend. I guess if I had to dress like that I'd hate the world, too.
  


• They are exceptionally unattractive. Larry Bird. Kevin McHale. Paul Pierce. I'd research this some more but I can already feel my body turning to stone.
  


• Doc Rivers, Wuss-baby Extraordinaire - I haven't seen a poutier face since Paris Hilton discovered her consommé was cold at the Ivy.
  


• They mispronounce 'Celtic.' The 'c' should be hard, like McHale's putrid foul on Rambis. Not soft, like Doc Rivers' trembling lower lip.
  


• They grind their wins using plodding defense. Zzzzzzz. Did I mention the dirty play and illegal screens? They rely on you falling asleep so you don't see it.
  


• Red Auerbach booing Phil Jackson. Red - you're done. He's going to pass you. It's just a matter of time. If you must spit on him, do it quietly in the privacy of your retirement home.
  
  
• They abuse leprechauns. Really. Leprechauns are tiny, respectable and hard-working. They are far from the beer-paunched, lolly-eyed idiot portrayed in the Celtic logo. They also have access to magic spells, which explains a lot about the Celtics' ugly demeanor. Never ever irritate a leprechaun. They will get you.
  

Boston is also the home of the Big Dig embarrassment, the tea-tainted harbor, the pouty Red Sox, and the choking Patriots. After a little research, I discovered that the word Boston is American Indian for zit that forever festers.

Lakers are Hollywood pretty. From Magic to Riley to Shaq to Jackson to Kobe, their style has always been free-flow, fast-break flash and dazzle. Just like any hero, they have their flaws, but at least they're huggable and have decent fashion sense.

I dare you to hug a Celtic and not turn to stone. Be forewarned, though - ugly is contagious.