Primary Callers

Something tells me there's an election coming up. Not sure what tipped me off - maybe the multitude of hyper-friendly strangers calling me at dinnertime to urge me to vote for their candidate. Or the ALL CAPS flyers filling my mailbox advising me that certain candidates hate, hate, HATE puppies and rainbows. Or perhaps it's the full-frontal assault of television ads confiding in me that if so-and-so wins, the global-warming terrorists will control the casinos. At this point, all it would take to secure my vote is a commercial quietly stating, "I'm running for President, and I promise to never, ever call you at dinnertime."

In a oddly disturbing way, it's comforting to have our politicos out there bouncing around, making noise. Like kids, if they're too quiet, they're up to something. This is our chance to influence them, before they close the door to the Oval office and take crayons to the walls.

Many people seem to pick candidates like they'd pick a baseball team or a hairstyle- a gut, emotional call made early in their formative years. Their choice is based on a revelation, a feeling, or an aversion to certain vegetables. I'm not talking about you specifically of course. I know for a fact you would never do such a thing. It's all those other knuckleheads out there. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about - all those wingnuts who don't agree with us and will somehow find their way to the voting booths, wiping out the votes of good, upstanding citizens such as ourselves. There out to be a law against letting them do things like that.

For once I'd like to see us vote for process, not person. No faces, no voices - just answers to essay questions:
Question) Describe in detail how would you fix healthcare.

Candidate A) raise taxes

Candidate B) lower taxes

Candidate C) tax taxes

On second thought, maybe the vegetable-aversion issue is the way to go.

Putting skepticism aside for a moment, however, there is at least one website, http://www.dehp.net/candidate/, that offers a 'candidate calculator.' You're given a list of issues, you pick your stance and how strongly you feel about each issue, and it tells you the candidate who best aligns with your views. Whether you like it or not. Interesting idea, although it fails to factor in fibber-potential, experience, hairstyle, and those crucial sports & vegetable affiliations.

California's time in the national sun is coming. On January 30th we'll have a Republican candidate debate at the Reagan Library. The candidates will argue their points while suspended in the air in front of Air Force One. Really. This sounded like a network ploy for ratings until I found out they'll actually have a floor built under them. Initially I had visions of Huckabee puppets suspended from strings. When McCain gets going, he resembles something out of a Punch and Judy show, so it could work. Besides, many of the candidates have made it this far without a real, functioning platform beneath them. Why change now?

We are a big state. We aren't New Hampshire or Nevada, media trinkets that blink and fade. We're a big deal and we demand respect. We take flak over our 'Governator.' Our writers' strike is crippling water-cooler talk nationwide. The entire state could use a big, long drink. The last thing we need is a faux pas involving a candidate falling from the Air Force One stage, or tripping over a dangling participle, or suffering from a fractured 'misstatement.' Let's keep it safe and sane, and get through this political fracas together.

One more thing, dear candidates - we would like some substance. We may be known for our Hollywood fluff, but that means we can spot it a backlot away. So pass the meat and go easy on the gravy. Yes, it's dinnertime, so please - don't call.