Crash

Poor guy never saw it coming. Never saw it leaving, either. Unstudied, unlucky, pitifully guessing, trying to pick the lock on a woman's life logic, he was left blinking in the dust by the side of a wayward road. She’s a blur, he’s blurry.

In life's travels, men take the expressway - not the prettiest drive but it gets you there, quick and dirty. Women, on the other hand, prefer the scenic route - lots of curves, time-consuming, plenty to see. It’s also very easy to get lost, and as we know, men don't ask for directions. So when they’re in an almighty hurry to get to their destination, the scenic route can drive them batty.

I know, analogies, schmalogies. Any road warrior can tell you that an analogy and a credit card will get you a full tank of gas for your guilt trip. But I’m your tour bus driver today, and I’m a woman, so I’m taking the long way home. Enjoy the view.

It’s not completely hopeless. Ok, maybe it is. But we women can be figured out. Here’s the catch –any man who attempts to figure us out is immediately suspect by both sides. Female intuition instinctively keeps the man down by assuming that if you’re trying to figure a woman out, you’re trying to take advantage of her. Which, of course, is absolutely true, you horrid, manipulative beasts! See you in my rear-view mirror, buckos!

When a guy attempts to figure out why a relationship crashed, buddies try to spare him the pain they know is waiting for him. "Let her go, dude," they’ll shrug. "Walk away." But he can’t. Here we have the emotional equivalent of exploring a volcanic crater –nothing good will come of it, you know it can kill you, but you just have to check it out anyway.

While women strategize a game of 3-dimensional chess, men are playing Battleship, blindly calling out catch phrases in the hopes of sinking a dinghy or two.

Where was I going with this? Oh, that’s right, the scenic route past the battleship and the volcano, wherever those are. Isn’t life more about the journey than the destination? So why the big rush? Especially when you don’t know where and/or when it will….
…end.